


lost and insecure, you found me (you found me?)

by inamamagic



Category: All For One (Web Series)
Genre: Anne Bonacieux (mentioned), Dorothy Castlemore (mentioned), F/F, Mild 1x25 spoilers, Rick Liu (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 15:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6810286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inamamagic/pseuds/inamamagic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over the years, Portia has lost and found herself many times. Some of those times were with Ariana. The other times (especially these days) has been by herself. For the most part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lost and insecure, you found me (you found me?)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from – You Found Me, by The Fray
> 
> When I heard this song last week, my first thought was “gotta write some Portiana ANGST”. I’m personally glad I didn’t take myself up on that offer, because I don’t think I can handle more of my OTP being apart. So this came about instead.

The first time Portia meets Ariana, she doesn’t think very much of it. They’re at dinner for all the new pledges, and in typical Portia style, she goes over and smiles and tries to make friends. Ariana doesn’t say very much, and most of Portia’s attempts to start a conversation fall flat.

There are other pledges standing nearby, and Portia contemplates dragging Ariana into their group to try and get something going. Just as the thought pops into her head, she hears someone mention something about Doctor Who.

Almost as though it is a knee jerk reaction, Portia shrieks, “NO SPOILERS PLEASE!”

Ariana raises an eyebrow and gives her a questioning look. The room falls completely silent. Portia’s face flames as the entire room turns to look at her. Her neck feels uncomfortably hot and prickly. “I haven’t watched it yet,” she says quietly, turning to the girl who mentioned the show. “I tried streaming it the other day but I couldn’t.”

“Well duh, the WiFi here sucks,” says Ariana.

If it weren’t for the fact that the room was still silent, no one would have heard her. Unfortunately, Portia’s bad luck seems to have leeched onto Ariana.

The chapter president Rebecca turns to look, as do Treville and Anne (the VPs of recruitment and communications respectively).

Portia notices a slight flush in Ariana’s warm brown cheeks. She hides a smile.

“Well, if you’re having a problem with the WiFi…” says Rebecca, a slow smirk growing on her face, “fix it.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” says Ariana, giving the president a challenging stare, despite the flush spreading to her neck. “I will.”

Two weeks later, the WiFi is noticeably faster.

Portia can’t help but think a lot more about Ariana after that. And it isn’t too long before she realises that a piece of her heart has gone missing too.

*****

In the beginning they’re just stressed out from homework, and drunk enough to hook up (but certainly not drunk enough to forget).

Of course they do it again. Sex alone is addictive enough. And when it’s _really good sex_ …

When Portia brings up the prospect of a relationship, she notices the hesitation in Ariana’s eyes, and she backs down. If everyone isn’t comfortable, she knows there is no point. And Ariana’s feeling are important to her.

But they don’t stop hooking up. Portia loves it, loves kissing Ariana, loves cuddling with her at the end, and if this is all of Ariana she’s gonna get, then she’ll take it. After all, they are friends. Good friends actually.

Friends or not though, Portia can’t squash the need for something more. She needs to be able to hold hands with Ariana in public, she needs to be able to be sure that Ariana will stick around, she needs to have that certainty. She’s a relationship kind of girl; it’s just how her heart works. Even with friends. Portia doesn’t do casual friendships. Everyone she meets is her good friend. She can’t help but care fully and completely.

Perhaps her explosion was inevitable, even though she feels insanely guilty. Ariana looks heartbroken, and Portia hates that she’s been the cause of that. The last thing she ever wanted to do was to make Ariana sad.

But she just can’t keep putting her own feelings on the back burner anymore. She knows who she is, and what she wants. And this is not it.

Two days later later, she walks into the Sigma house to find Ariana standing on top of the staircase, with all the sisters standing in the foyer. Everyone has huge grins on their faces, and Ariana (who’s looking almost paralysed with fear), is holding up a huge sign that says “B Mine?”.

With an actual drawing of a bee on it, no less.

Portia smiles as she tears up. Her heart feels safe again. And according to Ariana, so does hers.

Getting to keep her own heart safe by doing what she wants, and getting to keep Ariana’s heart safe along with it is more than anything that Portia could ever ask for.

*****

Taking risks is something Portia’s really bad at. She envies Ariana for it, how she can just go ahead and do as she pleases without caring. Portia pretty much always plays as safe as she can.

So when Ariana suggests that they go skinny dipping in the pool on campus, her immediate reaction is to decline.

“Come on, babe,” says Ariana, flopping onto Portia’s lap and giving her those puppy eyes that she’s never been able to resist. “If we get caught, I’ll take all the blame, don’t worry.”

“But it’s still scary, Ria.”

“I know. That’s what makes it fun.”

So Portia takes a deep breath and decides to go for it anyway. Just this once.

The whole time they’re running, she tries not to scream out loud, because she’s utterly _petrified_ but they slide into the pool without making a sound, trying really hard not to giggle, because the entire place echoes like anything, and the sound of the water sloshing into the drain as they swim already sounds like a tsunami in Portia’s head.

But no one comes to catch them, and after the first nerve-wracking ten minutes, Portia manages to relax.

Ariana swims over to her. The streetlamps outside are the only source of light, but Portia doesn’t need to see to feel Ariana’s lips on hers, or her arms around her waist, or her fingers sliding down her stomach, or –

At the end of the night when they’re both safe and warm in bed, Portia knows that she’s never gonna forget this.

And maybe, just maybe, she’ll do it again someday.

*****

One afternoon, Ariana finds Portia in her room, getting dressed for class.

“You’re looking oddly colourless today,” she says, referring to Portia’s outfit.

Portia sighs and stares at her reflection in the mirror.

“I dunno,” she says, picking at a stray thread on her blouse, as she tries to keep her composure. “I think it’s kinda _sophisticated_ , don’t you think?”

The moment the words are out of her mouth, she regrets it. There was a lot of unintended venom in that sentence that she wasn’t even aware she was holding onto. Now Ariana’s going to catch on, and she’s gonna ask questions, and Portia can’t deal with that right now, because she can’t deal with crying just before class.

Ariana raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, sure, sophisticated,” she says, giving her a questioning look. “Babe, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” says Portia, giving Ariana her biggest smile. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Ariana walks towards Portia and takes her hands.

“Talk to me,” she says.

“It’s nothing,” says Portia, shaking her head. “I have to go to class. Got that group presentation today.”

“Babe...” Ariana walks a little closer to Portia and puts her arms around her waist. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, just…” Portia chuckles, but a sob escapes her throat right alongside it, and she puts a hand over her mouth.

“Five minute vent session,” says Ariana, leading her towards the bed and taking out her phone. Portia takes a shuddering breath as she sits down and clears her throat. Ariana starts her stopwatch. “Go.”

“Okay, so, you know how I’m doing my presentation with a group right?” says Portia, staring at the phone, because watching the numbers flash past is much easier than actually looking at Ariana and telling her what’s going on.

“Yeah?”

“Okay so, basically, they’re great, okay, don’t get me wrong, they’re all really nice and stuff, but sometimes, I guess maybe they don’t really like my style, or like - I dunno, whatever. So anyway, that’s why I’m wearing less colour today,” she says, gesturing at her cream blouse and dark pants. “So that the presentation goes well. Okay I’m done.”

Ariana stops the watch. Only ten seconds have passed.

“I’m gonna let you go to class without interrogating you, because looking like you’ve cried just before your presentation is just gonna give em more ammo,” she says, putting her phone away. “But babe? Babe, look at me.”

Portia looks up, tears still clinging to her eyelashes. Ariana takes her scarf and dabs at her cheeks.

“Don’t let _anyone_ make you feel like you can’t dress the way you want, okay?” she says. Portia can see cold fury flashing in her eyes, and is thankful that Ariana doesn’t know who her classmates her – although she doesn’t trust that she won’t find them and make them pay.

“Okay,” she whispers.

“I’m serious,” says Ariana. “The way you dress, that’s who you are. That what makes you Portia. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just your style they have a problem with, but we’re gonna talk about that later, kay?”

“Okay.”

“And if anyone has a problem with the way you dress, or _anything_ else about you, they can just say hello to my fist.”

Portia smiles. A comfortable warmth spreads in her chest. Her resolve strengthens.

“You know what?” she says, jumping up from the bed and rushing towards her dresser. “You’re right. I can dress however I want.”

Grabbing a bright pink bow from the top of the dresser, she pins it to her hair. There’s a tie hanging over a chair too – she’d been meaning to wear it today.

And now she’s going to.

“That’s my girl,” says Ariana with a grin, as she helps Portia straighten her tie. She places a quick kiss on Portia’s nose, making her giggle. “Now go slay that presentation.”

*****

The whole Rick Lu thing is great for a while. Feeling like they’re going after justice feels really good.

But then it gets out of hand faster than Portia can keep up with, and she realises that she’s just riding along with it despite the growing sense of discomfort. It’s hard to wake up every morning and know that she has to keep going, but having Ariana with her helps a lot.

She hopes she’ll get to a point where it’s okay.

She doesn’t.

If anything, it gets worse, because all of a sudden, she realises that she no longer has Ariana with her either. There is no front line of defense against everyone else’s “aw look at cute little Portia” comments. There is no one to stand for her against other people not taking her seriously. There is no one to shield her from being laughed at.

Its heartbreaking to realise that the person she once thought was going to be her number one is now on the other side.

The worst part is that she knows that Ariana doesn’t even know she’s doing it. And that just makes Portia feel like something has shattered inside her, because Ariana is the one person that’s supposed to know. Ariana is the one person that’s supposed to be around to pick Portia up when she can’t find her own way out.

When Portia finally finds clarity, she realises that the only way out for her is something that is only going to cement the growing barrier between her and Ariana for good.

*****

 The first few days are impossible. Portia starts and ends every single day in tears, which quickly morph into a red-hot fury that refuses to let go of her until the end of the week.

Then she gets a hold of herself. Anger will not solve anything, she knows that. She’s just going to have to deal with her feelings in a healthy way.

She starts going swimming, and finds that she actually likes it. Now that she has all this extra time on her hands, she realises she can try out new things and figure out what she enjoys.

Swimming helps keep the anger at bay, helps keep her mind off things. She even starts going to see a counsellor, to work through her feelings in a more comprehensive way.

It helps.

Not being able to hang out with Dorothy and Alex is hard. She’s gotten so used to going over to that apartment all the time that she still finds herself walking in that direction without thinking. But she grows used to it.

She focuses on her schoolwork, and starts hanging out with some other people in her classes. They’re nice, once she gets to know them. Sometimes, they have lunch together. Portia finds that she likes being around different people every day. It gives her a kind of energy that’s brighter, something that’s not as heavy as dragging around the weight of doing something she didn’t want to do.

When Ariana reaches out to her, she plucks up the courage to forgive. Knowing that they can’t be together makes her sad, but having forgiven her makes her heart feel lighter.

She’s starting to find herself again.

*****

 The separation is still painful.

Portia hates being on bad terms with people, and she hates being on bad terms with Ariana even more. She hates how Ariana keeps apologising for every tiny slip up, hates how she keeps avoiding Portia and dodging most conversations (despite starting a lot of them).

But as much as she misses Ariana, Portia is also aware of one deeply disconcerting fact. Being away from Ariana makes it easier for her to be… well… _her_.

Not that it was harder to be herself around Ariana, but the sense of agency she has now, the sense of control she has over herself because of the knowledge that she’s not going to be laughed at or not taken seriously…

But all that only really started after they got caught up in the whole, getting back at Rick Lu thing. Ariana had always been slightly patronising, but she was like that with everyone. And even though she’d put Portia down sometimes –

No. Portia will not continue to justify Ariana’s actions just to take the blame off her. She _did_ do something wrong. And even if she apologised for it, that doesn’t mean it never happened, and Portia is going to make sure she never forgets that. Because she’s not going to allow anyone, not even Ariana, to walk over her again.

But it’s more than just about Ariana, Portia realises. It’s the fact that she can do whatever she wants now, without having to consider her girlfriend before she does it. She can say what she wants, think what she wants, heck, she can even take a one-way ticket to Alaska and stay there if she wanted to.

That kind of independence is liberating, certainly, but Portia isn’t sure she wants that kind of liberation anymore. It’s not freedom when you don’t have someone to share it with.

Sighing, she puts her face in her hands, and she realises that, even though she can, she doesn’t actually know _what_ to do, or say, or think.

*****

 Treville finds her crying on the porch late one night.

“Oh,” says Portia, sniffing and leaping up from the bench. “I’m sorry, I was just going inside.”

Treville doesn’t say anything. Instead, she takes Portia’s hand and leads her back towards the bench.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. Her face bears no evidence of her customary sternness. Instead, she looks genuinely concerned.

“I don’t know,” says Portia, blinking as more tears start to fall. Treville opens her handbag and takes out a tissue, which Portia takes. “Thanks.”

“I might be overstepping a little here,” says Treville gently, “but is this about you and Ariana by any chance?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know!” says Portia, shaking her head as fresh sobs break out. Treville puts an arm around her shoulders and gives her a reassuring squeeze. Portia cries for a while until she feels like she can speak again.

“It’s just – it’s just that – I t-thought I’d b-be better off – not dating her – but I miss her s-o much…”

“That’s only natural,” says Treville. “You guys were together for a while. It’s okay to miss her. You can still live for yourself while you miss her. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Portia nods, blowing her nose into the now sodden tissue. Treville gives her another one.

“Thanks,” she says, her voice sounding clogged up and raspy.

“Look,” says Treville, taking her arm off Portia’s shoulder and turning to face her properly. “I’m not gonna lie. Being away from Ariana has definitely made you more confident. Of course, you’ve always been confident. But this is the first time in a while that I’ve seen the old Portia.”

Portia blows her nose again. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, this is the first time in a long while that I’ve seen you be _you._  Completely and unapologetically,” says Treville. “I’m not saying you lost yourself in that relationship – but I’m not gonna lie. There was quite a bit of shrinking going on.”

Portia chuckles. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Ariana can be a commanding influence.”

“Mmhmm.”

“But tell me honestly, Portia. Do you genuinely think it can work out between the two of you again?”

Portia looks up. “I don’t know… I really don’t. I mean, she apologised, yeah. But what if it happens again?”

Treville looks like she’s struggling to say something. As Portia watches, her mouth twitches into what is unmistakably a tiny smile.

“What?” she asks, more out of shock than anything. Treville, smiling? Actually, smiling?

“Ariana is many things,” she says, still looking like she’s struggling really hard to push that smile back to whatever depths it dared to emerge from. “And one of those things is _definitely_ stubborn.”

“Tell me about it,” says Portia, still shocked about the fact that Treville actually smiled.

“But if there’s anything I know, is that her feelings for you trump all of that,” says Treville. “The other day, we were in the lounge, and Anne mentioned something about decking out the foyer in paper flower garlands, just for the heck of it.”

“Oh, that’s gonna look so pretty!” says Portia.

“And Ariana overhead,” says Treville. “Now you know that’s the kind of thing she’s always gonna have some kind of comeback for.”

“Yeah,” laughs Portia. “Probably something like, you could fill the place with lasers and it still wouldn’t be as bad.”

“She didn’t say anything,” says Treville. “And I saw her, it wasn’t like she didn’t hear us either. She looked at Anne, and then at me, and I’m not lying, Portia, she was struggling really hard.”

“What?” says Portia, her eyes widening. Treville nods.

“Yeah. And all she said was, sounds nice.”

“What?” repeats Portia, her jaw dropping. Treville gives her a knowing look.

“Now I’m not saying that things are magically gonna work out between the two of you. Given what happened, I’m sure it’s going to take a lot of time for you to be able to get to a point where you can trust her again.” She puts a hand on Portia’s shoulder. “But giving this another shot might not exactly hurt. If you’re ready of course.”

“I guess…” says Portia, but then, the full extent of Treville’s words register. “Wait. How do you know what happened?”

This time, Treville doesn’t even try to hide her smile.

“I have my ways,” she says, standing up. “But remember what I said. Don’t do _anything_ you aren’t ready for.”

“Okay.”

As Treville walks inside, Portia takes a deep breath.

She can still live for herself whilst missing Ariana. Living for herself doesn’t mean pushing Ariana out of the equation, or denying that things still hurt.

And maybe someday… hopefully soon… when she’s ready.

**Author's Note:**

> Although I personally don’t think that this is how their relationship started and progressed, I wondered what it would be like if it was. 
> 
> If you've reached this point, thank you so much for reading :)


End file.
